Not a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m 
telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart 
won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag 
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how 
cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired 
welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not 
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had 
planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the 
decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the 
front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy 
china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that 
match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we 
will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa 
napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers 
that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like 
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The 
artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain 
you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every 
choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the 
turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were 
made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard 
enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children’s recital, 
I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should 
mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that 
tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes 
dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce 
the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional 
method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When 
the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where 
you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit 
at a separate table … in a separate room … next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a 
turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not 
be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be 
carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, 
under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not 
send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an 
electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I 
will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners 
that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request 
to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the 
meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will 
refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If 
a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese 
Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a 
choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving 
the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small 
fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She 
probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful.

(Please note that this was forwarded to me and I do not have credits… It was just so good I had to pass it on)

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~ by jenevangelista on November 21, 2012.

One Response to “Not a Martha Stewart Thanksgiving”

  1. Very funny. I can just picture kids doing all of the mentioned acts. Martha won’t be coming to my house, either!

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