In an attempt to rebel against the notion that mothers should only be honored on one Sunday in May, I’ve chosen to put off my post about Mothers Day until now – a time well after the official holiday. Do you buy that?
While I do truly believe that mothers and women in general should be honored perpetually, the real reason for the delay in this post was actually because of the difficulty I have experienced in finding words for all the many emotions I am feeling with regards to this holiday. Even now, as I start to type, I’m not completely clear as to the direction I am going. That will be my disclaimer for the obscene length of this letter to myself that you are welcome to read.
Let me begin by saying that I am a mother. Shocker! You all know that and most of you know that I’m a mother four times over. Some of you may not know that I’m also the mother of four other babies living in Heaven right now because God chose to take them home as they were just starting their lives in my womb. They are, at this very moment, being cared for by angels and waiting for me and Brad to embrace them. I thought my house was busy now – can you imagine what my house in heaven is going to be like! Over the past 11 Mother’s Days my emotions have run the gamut, from excitement in expectation, to grief in loss, to disbelief in my crazy life, to adoration of my young blessings. The emotion that covers them all, however, is gratitude. I am so very grateful to my God who has trusted me & Brad with these special lives for this short time. In spite of the frustrations, the dirty laundry, the sleepless nights and the occasional moments of insanity, I cannot help but step back in reflection at this time to realize how very blessed I am. Joseph, Jacob, Arabella and Abraham have been my biggest source of anxiety and fatigue in this world, but they have also been, along with their father, my biggest source of joy. I pray for wisdom as we raise them and humility in all things.
Switching gears a minute, I am also a daughter. When I look at my daughter, I pray often that we will have a similar relationship to the one I share with my mother. My mom and I are very different women, yet we have a bond that is stronger than most. I think of her on this Mother’s Day and my thoughts bounce all over time. She was always there, always. I have difficulty remembering every detail of my childhood, but I will never forget that I always felt loved. I recall sharing everything with her including laughter and tears. I recall that I never felt that I didn’t have her attention when I needed it. And I recall that she was always doing – for us and for others – in a selfless, Christlike way. She mirrored for me how to mother and I can only pray to have picked up a couple of things from her :).
My thoughts, however, about my mom don’t just reach back to the obvious childhood memories. They also reach back as far as yesterday, and last weekend, and the week before. You see, you never retire from motherhood. I am blessed that my mother is young, healthy, willing, and geographically close by. She has continued to pour into my life on a regular basis and although my “issues” are certainly different, her concern for them is the same. And she has also chosen to be the kind of grandmother that I could not be more grateful for. She keeps my kids (yes, all four of them when necessary) often and is always open to helping me with my insane schedule when she can. She never grumbles and she loves my kids more than the world. I never feel any concern that they are not getting exactly what they need when they are in her care. I could list the many practical ways in which she makes my life manageable, but suffice it to say that she is a rock, a blessing and I am so proud that she is my mother.
I love you, Mom.
So, Mother’s Day. This year I was honored at CrossPointe and I tear up thinking about it. (See, I told you I would ramble). I do try hard, but I wish I could live up to that honor every day. I am an imperfect vessel. I have a desire to be used up for my husband, my family and the Kingdom of God. However, I am also prone to raise my voice and fuss about the messes that my family doesn’t even seem to see. I can be found crying in frustration because I cannot do it all, and praying in earnest to be able to do more. I also have a firm realization, however, that no one can truly do it all and it is only by the Grace of God that we can do anything.
I am a blessed woman. I have a beautiful mother (and an awesome dad, although it’s really not about him today 😉 ), a wonderful husband and the opportunity to mother 4 gorgeous children. I will always praise my Lord for that. Happy Mother’s Day, a little late, to all.